9/20/2023 0 Comments End of my addiction![]() ![]() My first day back to work after several weeks off lasted all of 20 minutes. It was all negative, not positive, and far from neutral. The pain of my loss dwarfed any potential upside. My coping strategy was failing, and I knew it. The level of grief I felt was immeasurable. He was young, he was my mentor, he was my friend, and he was my brother. The autopsy showed complete occlusion of the left anterior descending coronary artery, the “widow maker” as they taught us in school. Over the next several hours, the final minutes of my brother’s life would come to a close as a result of a massive myocardial infarction. Why was my brother’s girlfriend calling me? As I answered the phone, and as I heard her voice tremble with emotion, I knew it wasn’t good. Unfortunately, that was not the only one that I would lose on that fateful day.Īs I completed all the necessary tasks and paperwork required after a patient death, my phone rang. Another one for the memory banks, another day to try and forget. Despite our best efforts, I had lost another patient. The team‘s efforts that day were textbook. Sodium bicarbonate was just prolonging the inevitable-she went into asystole. ![]() As I saw her QRS complex widen, I knew we were getting close to the end. Maximum medical treatment and nursing care was being given to this unfortunate girl, and we could not do any more. At 24 years old, she had lived a hard and fast life, and it was coming to a screeching halt. A decision to drink oneself into oblivion made zero sense to me. Chronic alcoholism mixed with poor life choices makes for a medical, nursing, and social services nightmare. It was another day in the unit, caring for a patient whom I had become too familiar with. Four years as a master’s prepared CCRN practicing medical, surgical, neurological, and cardiac intensive care taught me that I could do almost anything. I simply wanted to help people, and I had been given the opportunity of a lifetime to do so. I was doing exactly what I intended on doing from the second I decided to be a nurse. I would go home and hug my wife and kids a little tighter knowing how precious life is. I would cry, and I rationalized the loss. I witnessed and held the hands of many dying patients. It is neutral, loss mixed with gain.Īll nurses deal with life and the loss of life in different ways. Fresh life combined with one ending seemed logical to me. ![]() I always thought it was quite ironic hearing “Brahms Lullaby” echoing from labor and delivery as my patient would take his or her last breath. Making sense of the tragic loss of life had always been challenging for me. ![]() We thank the author for the courage to share this personal story and urge nurses to seek the help they need.Īs one life ends another begins-a spiritual lesson and coping mechanism that I taught myself early on to ensure survival. The author’s identity is not shared per request unfortunately, there is still stigma associated with substance misuse. Editor’s note: This blog is a supplement to the continuing nurse education program “Suicide among nurses: What we don’t know might hurt us.” It illustrates how our unrealistic self-expectations as nurses can lead us down unfortunate paths. ![]()
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